Confusion.

I've noticed that aqualung's songs are quite gloomy. and i like them. i like listening to them. its as if my twisted understandings had been pulled out from me and as if it had been released.

I'm in denial right now. For the past few months, i've been denying the fact that i'm still in love with him. I hate that. I hate denying the fact that is really true.
I'm very unsure of how i feel towards him now. towards my ex. but i'm sure, he still has a place in me. If you had a chance to ask me do i still love him? do i still have feelings for him. I would only answer "i don't know." and most of the time, i'm left feeling lonely and confused and lost. man already advised me, "why don't you go back with your ex. since you can't really move on." he made me think. man made me doubt my feelings. and i end up having nothing in reply to my darling ex's "i love you"'s. its like, every time he says that, my head blocks out and i become quiet when i'm on the phone with him.
recently i've been replying "i love you too" to him. but somehow, i feel i should stop saying that. somehow, in me, i don't want to say that. I don't want any sky scrapping hopes for him. I'm aware of the fact that in the end, i'm the monster who'll crush his feelings. and i do not want to be that inhumane monster.
Yes, i do love him. but, i love him as a friend. as a close friend of mine.
and my guilt won't stop building up. I deny the fact that i love him. i feel guilty when i say i love you back at him. what kind of person am i?
well, to think of it. i'm confused. i'm lost. i'm lonely.

The stroll at the park with Niq surely made me miss him being by my side holding my hand.
i saw a number of couples on that very park. and they seemed so sweet. and all i had thought of was him. Am i desperate? I'm just scared. what if i go back to him and he goes back to his old self and he'll be possessive of me again? But i've made up my mind. I wouldn't get back with him.
that matter makes me feel uncomfortable. The fact that i wouldn't be back with him while he's hoping for so many things to happen.

I'm gonna ask you. Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever felt this confused. i mean, You know you love that person but you just don't have the heart to be with that person. for some unreasonable reasons. You tend to find another boy to be the replacer, but that never seems to happen. the replacer does fall for you but you can't keep youself from having feelings for your past. Maybe Man was right. I'm not ready to move on yet.
Still.
I'm stuck with the haunting question in me.

"what are you going to do next Mia?"