decisions.

For the whole 17 years of my life, I've done nothing but of what my parents had asked me to do. My whole life, I was dictated. It's as if my parents are the ones who drive my life to which ever road they might want to take. I had always been the smart one if compared to my sister's performance in school and I know that my parents had put on high hopes for me.
I was still young when i told my father i wanted to be a vet in the future. then i had told him that i wanted to be an astronomer instead. He had supported on my ambitions and talks of what I have to be really good. at. "you have to ace your physics, biology and chemistry and additional maths if so. if you you want to be what you want to be in the future", he used to say that to me. Soon, i have discovered my love for arts and i found myself telling my dad about me being a fashion designer. He hesitated abut still managed to support me. Even so, I sensed that he did not approve of me. Soon, when i got into the Fourth form, I was sent to the science class. And i knew that my parents had once again expected a lot from me. I knew i had to make them proud, but I also knew that science is not what I really wanted. By the end of the forth form, I had decided not to take Physics in my SPM examination. I did asked of my dad's approval. but i only got shouts and scoldings from him. "You are not to drop that subject! Just wait and see what I'll do to you if you I found out you dropped that subject!", he shouted at me in the car.
In the back of my mind, I was hurt. He did not, could not, and would not try to understand the fact that in the end, I WILL BE THE ONE WHO's taking all the pressure when SPM's up. I don't want to trouble myself in the end. I don't want to take one more science course when I'm done with high school. NO! I'm sick and tired of science. It's always been that! I want something else! and I thought of that the whole time I was in the car with my dad while he was babbling.
I had made up my mind. I still dropped Physics. and that was that. there's no turning back now. All I had to focus on was these 9 subjects.
I just do not know when my parents would stop driving my life. Our lives, which includes my sister. I'm starting to think that i'm going through depression. Now, the exam which decides my future is all done. And my parents are talking about putting me on the 6th form. I am very much disappointed in their choices. Form 6 offers me nothing but science and stuff. I may have a bit of liking in literature. but not entirely. I wanted mass communication. But looks like i couldn't reach my goal.
I'm sick and tired of them always telling me what I ought to do. Dictating me towards my own good indeed! what a lie.
The matter of putting me to form 6 was brought up by this VERY VERY GENIUS MAN in Shah Alam who asked my dad "why don't you put your child for form 6?"
"But i can't. We're foreigners"
"Of course you can"-, that in genius man replied to my dad innocent denial."just go to Putrajaya and get her papers done for form 6. And from there, you'll be okay."
I bet my dad was very much delighted when he heard that.
The matter was brought up in the dining table.
"...the guy asked me why don't i put her for form 6. and he explained to me how."
when I had heard this, my hope for doing mass comm next year was flashing right in front of my eyes, vanishing into the midst of the unseen thoughts of mine. My eyes were flooded with tears. I held them back and strongly disagreed to their decision.
"Mom, Dad, I dont want to go to form 6! what would i take there???? No. I dont want to."
I was chewing my food slowly during that time. slowly, i prevented my tears from pouring to my cheeks.
my mom interupted me.
"Bie, you have to understand. We don't have enough money to send you for college. This is the least we could do. please do understand our situation."
"Why wouldn't we send you to college if we had any money? we would. we just don't have enough to pay the fee's.", dad added.
"but i want to take mass comm...."- by then, my voice was starting to break.
"mass comm???", my dad said it in a way that he was kind of disgusted.
I looked away from their faces and i let my tears free. I wiped it off and kept on telling myself that there must be a way out of this.

The price you get for being a foreigner. *sigh.
you're lucky if you're a citizen, but i'm not.
I cried my eyes out in my room, where, at this age, i still share the room with my sister. I saw my dreams crashing down. My hopes was indeed robbed from me. I felt naked. And useless, regarding to my undefined future.

It's very hard to wake up every morning feeling nothing but disappointment, dead and unsure. It's very very hard. I had been aware, since the day I learned and questioned about my existence in this world "money is the root of crashed dreams, hopes and life."

A sad remark as I end my expressions here, with a full stop.